Fremdsprachige Gedichte

News from the old Reflection

Beitragvon Duke White » Di 26 Jan, 2010 18:58


Ok, I do something that I not really can.
Its like I jump from something and try to fly.
Here we go.
----------------------
Deathtraps and I could not see
what is dust and what should be?
To make blind, to make lies,
sometimes I am not me.

Hate I these thoughts in two weeks?
I hate everything, I dont love me.
Nothing is like it seems,
And really nothing is free.

Or maybe its too close,
I live in the beautiest holes.
And explain how life is.
But life is what I really miss.
It's four in the morning, the end of December
I'm writing you now just to see if you're better
New York is cold, but I like where I'm living
There's music on Clinton Street all through the evening.
Duke White
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Re: News from the old Reflection

Beitragvon Anna Lyse » Mi 27 Jan, 2010 15:42


Hi Duke White,

at first I thought,
Ok, I do something that I not really can.
Its like I jump from something and try to fly.
Here we go.

is part of the poem, I see you put in a line underneath it. Thats good although I don`t think you need to explain yourself in that way at least it`s clear now that it doesn`t belong to the poem.
"Ok, I do something that I not really can..." this sounds wrong, the tense you are writing in here sounds weird. It`s not wrong, to me it just doesn`t fit, it should be "Ok, I`ll do somthing that I not really can..." or the "I`ll" written out to "Ok, I will do something that I not really can..." cause you were just about to do it and are not doing it at this second. "It`s like I jump from something and try to fly..." same here. It just sounds odd. Leaving away the "I" and turning jump into jumping, would be better. Also leaving away the "and" and turning "try" to "trying". Using the future tense, cause you are writing about something you want to do.
"Ok, I`ll do something that I not really can.
Its like jumping from something trying to fly.
Here we go"
Sorry!!! I havent gotten to the text itself, shouldn`t keep myself held up by that but I couldn`t just read on without telling you this. I hope you don`t mind.

The poem itself has a simple structure, even rhyming! The rhymes are not very strong, that is why I didn`t even notice them at first. To me the whole thing would be just as good, if not better if it wasn`t rhyming, even though I have to say, it doesn`t look too constructed around it. That is positive.The thing with ryhmes or not is just a matter of taste.

"Deathtraps and I could not see
what is dust and what should be?
To make blind, to make lies,
sometimes I am not me."

Deathtraps, is a good way to start off. I like it. The question is not to be answered (at least not in the first stanza) cause I don`t get it. I don`t really know what dust you are talking about, maybe the dust of a rotten corpse in a casket or maybe the dust of a burnt body after he died, or maybe! yes maybe you even meant the dust the church always talks about. Well, it does seem to stand for death but somehow it`s hard for me to get a direct assoziation to deathtraps.
The second two lines are pretty clear to me. Somehow, live seems to make blind, lies seem to make blind and this changes the lyrical I so that at some point it feels not to be itself. The first stanza has a rhyming structure of the first to second line and third to fourth. Just a little remark to keep in mind.

Goind on to the second stanza. I like more than the first, cause somehow it flows evenly. It even makes sense, not that this is important to me, not at all, but here it`s nice to read so clear. The only thing that sounds a bit cheesy to me (cheesy = kitschig) is the part with the love, in english it`s also been overused just as much as in german :D but oh well, it doesn`t matter much here, cause the language usage is quite simple. I won`t go into the meaning of this stanza cause it`s something that everyone has on their minds off an on at certain times, nothing really special. The "And" after the comma should be written small.
Here the ryhmes are placed on the first to the third line and second to fourth. Like you notice, it`s different from the first stanza...this is not bad or good but for the sake of consistency maybe you can remember that for the next time you write something, that it would be nice to place the rhyming in every stanza at the same place. (That is by the way, why I don`t write in rhymes, neither in englisch or german, cause it would be scattered and just sortless.)

Going over the third stanza I noticed two little typos ;)
"Or maybe its to close," here it should be "too" and not "to" cause you are not moving to the "close" you are describing a "too close" of something.
"And explain how live is.
But live is what I really miss."
Live here is spelled "Life". Cause I don`t think you are talking about a live tv-show, even though that is a good comparison to life! You could write: "And explain how lives are.
But life is what I really miss."
It`s up to you. The word "beautiest" is irritating me. First of all, I don`t think it exists in that spelling, and second the word you wanted to use is an old form of beautiful. I am sorry I don`t even know how to spell it. :lach: maybe bodacious...I don`t know. Or! Maybe it is a made up word but in that case it`s not made up good in my eyes. For the sake of simplicitiy maybe it`s better just to use beautiful, it would fit to the language you use here.Yes, well you tried to explain what life is but to be honest I still don`t know what it really is exept for the fact that nothing is for free and that we will all turn to dust, oh yeah and that the lyrical I is somtimes not itself. That is not really life that is just the effect of living.

Overall I think the poem is ok, nothing too special but for someone that is trying to fly, at least you didn`t fall too hard and deep.
Nice reading you.

Greetings,
Isabel

(sry for the length, it wasn`t meant to get so long, but somehow more and more was added.)
.
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Anna Lyse
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Re: News from the old Reflection

Beitragvon Duke White » Mi 27 Jan, 2010 20:56


First of all, I changed the word "live" into "life". Sorry for my missing wings.
Thank you for reading my........poem.
I read your interesting comment. Sorry that I could not write too much about it.
After I read this again, maybe i wrote it too fast.
I had more think about this idea and the resolution to write it in this language.
But......thank you very much Isabel.
It's four in the morning, the end of December
I'm writing you now just to see if you're better
New York is cold, but I like where I'm living
There's music on Clinton Street all through the evening.
Duke White
Neu
Neu
 
Beiträge: 39
Registriert: Di 09 Jun, 2009 22:10
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